The Café Chronicles Bumper Christmas Annual on ResonanceFM

As mentioned on this week’s guest appearance on Bibi Does Soho, I will be presenting a special hour-long festive edition of The Café Chronicles next month. The Café Chronicles Bumper Christmas Annual will air on Resonance 104.4FM on Christmas Eve at 8pm.

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The show is likely to feature many of the characters that featured on the opening 10-part series that aired on Resonance back in the summer. All the episodes are available to download both from this site and also Apple Podcasts.

Me! Me! Me!

It’s looking like my eBook Me! Me! Me! is finally going to be in print next year. I’ll have more details shortly once it’s confirmed with the publishers. This will mean a relaunch for the title and it’s likely to disappear from Amazon soon until it’s published in print, at which point it will again be available as an eBook.

If you can’t wait until then, you can still buy Me! Me! Me! here:

Me! Me! Me!

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The lost podcaster

I caught up with the great lost UK podcaster earlier today, Micky Boyd. With the café undergoing its refit and not reopening until Sunday (a partial glimpse of the work last night has left me anxious my favourite corner spot has been done away with), Micky and I went to one of his regular haunts. The coffee there was too strong for me (as indeed it was the last time we went there) and my old friend, looking very trim, quickly spotted my bad coffee face. While my range of facial expressions are severely limited, the one thing my features can produce is a bad coffee face. And this was bad coffee.

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We hadn’t seen each other since the summer when I was on crutches and Micky was kindly driving me around. After a couple of days spent trying to explain to my aunt Spanish Kanu, who ‘officially’ turns 80 next week, what asbestos is and why workmen are descending on her block to remove said asbestos, it was good to catch up with Micky. We chatted about our shared love of Sherlock Holmes, my 79-year-old uncle being fist bumped by his fellow horse racing fans in the local bookies, and the fragility of the Sainsbury’s own cracker which breaks up at the slightest contact.

There is no real point to this particular post. Micky was just keen to have this picture of him up on the website and I was unable to come up with a more interesting post to justify posting this picture of the mid-eighties school sprint champion.

A peanut takes my cafe table

A curious dream.

A peanut had taken my regular table in a cafe.

Not my cafe, you understand.

But I had the sense in this dream that this was a regular dream cafe and as is my habit stretching right back to childhood when I had to sit in the same corner of the room during my music classes at Primary school (much to my teacher's chagrin), I had a favourite table in there.

I was taken aback to find the peanut sat at my table.

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We looked at one another.

I couldn't be sure whether the peanut was looking right through me.

In front of them was a broadsheet.

I caught sight of a headline.

'Sent to Coventry'.

Thrown by the peanut's presence, and unable to settle for sitting anywhere else in the cafe, I left.

But I kept circling the cafe to check if the peanut was still sat at my table.

I must've looked a dozen times.

The peanut showed no signs of leaving.

Was the peanut waiting for someone?

Was it, I wondered, waiting for me?

I stepped back into the cafe and disappeared into its gents downstairs in the basement, where I found myself being sick.

Still, I had enough about me not to touch the toilet bowl when being sick, as you see people doing in films. Sure, I was thrown by the peanut's presence at my table, but I still had the presence of mind to make no contact with the bowl as I was sick.

I sorted myself out, splashing water on my face before heading back upstairs to check on the table.

The peanut was still there.

I didn't want to leave the cafe again.

I made my way cautiously to 'my' table.

I looked at the peanut.

The peanut looked at me.

We looked at one another for what seemed like an eternity and with great sadness.

And then the peanut rose from its chair and left the cafe.

I sat down at the table.

I looked at the newspaper.

'Sent to Coventry'.

Appearing on Bibi Does Soho on Soho Radio Culture, 12-1pm, Tues 20 November 2018

I’m appearing live on Bibi Lynch’s wonderfully irreverant Bibi Does Soho show on Soho Radio Culture on Tuesday 20th November between midday and 1pm, to discuss my radio comedy series from back in the summer ‘The Café Chronicles’ and the upcoming hour-long Café Chronicles Christmas special which airs on Resonance FM at 8pm on Christmas Eve.

You’ll be able to listen on their online app here:

http://www.sohoradiolondon.com/player/culture

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The Café Chronicles - starts Monday 6 August on Resonance 104.4 FM at 10am

The Café Chronicles, my new 10-part radio comedy series starts on Monday 6 August at 10am on Resonance 104.4FM (repeated at 6:30pm) and runs every weekday until Friday 17 August. 

Daniel Ruiz Tizon returns with a brand new series, presenting 10 x 5 daily missives from the South Lambeth Portuguese café he has holed himself up in since the summer of 2001. As the gentrification sweeping through Nine Elms and Vauxhall accelerates, The Café Chronicles documents the characters and community threatened by these changes.

It’s a world of tobacco, discarded chicken bones, faded denim, easily slighted personalities, exaggerated Mediterranean gesticulations and coffee, the glue that holds the old community together.

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EPISODE LISTING

Monday 6 August 2018     

Episode 1 – The Handshake

Priding himself on a firm traditional handshake, a turned ankle on his way to the café leads to what is easily Daniel’s worst handshake of the year.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Tuesday 7 August 2018

Episode 2 – Poor Butter Coverage

Daniel locks horns with a new waiter over the poor butter coverage on his Portuguese Toast.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Wednesday 8 August 2018

Episode 3 – The Non-Handwashing

The weekly appearance of the non-handwashing Singing Spaniard has Daniel bemoaning the reluctance among the café’s regulars to embrace handwashing after using the loos.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Thursday 9 August 2018

Episode 4 – The Hash Brown Ring Walk

The addition of the Hash Brown to the now all-day English breakfast, and the curious manner of its standalone delivery, over-complicates the café breakfast.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Friday 10 August 2018

Episode 5 – The Towel

The salmon-coloured socks of a laughs-too-easily customer leads to a troubling, long-suppressed recollection for Daniel.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Monday 13 August 2018

Episode 6 – Mistaken Bald Identity

The death of a bald regular revives uncomfortable memories for Daniel of the time he mistook another bald regular for the now deceased.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Tuesday 14 August 2018

Episode 7 – The Reward Card

Daniel looks at the difficulties the introduction of a coffee reward card in the café has caused him.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Wednesday 15 August 2018

Episode 8 – The Head Man of SW8

The unusually hot October evening back in 2011 when the Drunken Somalian abused the café regulars is recalled.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Thursday 16 August 2018

Episode 9 – The Lamp Post Pole Dancer

The sun brings out the Lamp Post Pole Dancer and the ensuing chaos leads to Daniel having trouble getting his latte.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

 

Friday 17 August 2018

Episode 10 – The Nod

A ‘nod’ introduced into his prayers by an old teacher continues to cause Daniel problems, but its presence may have inadvertently led to a thawing out of the frosty relations between our host and the new waiter.

Last in the series.

Written and presented by Daniel Ruiz Tizon.

Listen: Tune into Resonance 104.4 FM or via goo.gl/E6rhgs

Sunday 19 August 2018

Omnibus - All 10 episodes aired at 10am

The Café Chronicles - Brand new daily comedy series begins on Resonance 104.4 FM, Monday 6 August

From Monday 6 August at 10am, repeated at 6:30pm, and running every weekday until Friday 17 August, I'll be presenting daily 5-minute missives from the South Lambeth Portuguese café I've holed myself up in since the summer of 2001. As the gentrification sweeping through Nine Elms and Vauxhall accelerates, The Café Chronicles documents the characters and community threatened by these changes.

It’s a world of tobacco, discarded chicken bones, faded denim, easily slighted personalities, exaggerated Mediterranean gesticulations and coffee, the glue that holds the old community together and you can hear the 10-part series only on Resonance 104.4 FM.

The show's 10 episodes will also be repeated as a 50-minute Omnibus edition at 10am on Sunday 19 August.

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Listen to Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available BUMPER Christmas Annual 2017 - Ep 200

Daniel Ruiz Tizon, a man on his fifth nose, is, he’d like the world to know, Available, and dissecting the minutiae of everyday life.

Christmas Eve 2017

Our little-heard host finally reaches the magical 200 mark on his one-time favourite day of the year. Featuring Channel Christmas, the once-a-year-only imaginary festive channel and a special appearance from 'The Kid'.

                 Listen to:  Available200

                Listen to: Available200

 

 

Listen to Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available - Ep 199

Daniel Ruiz Tizon, a man on his fifth nose, is, he’d like the world to know, Available, and dissecting the minutiae of everyday life.

Thursday 21 December 2017

In the second of three shows this Christmas week (and the penultimate episode of the series), our little-heard still under-the-weather host struggles through a torrid 21 minutes.

                 Listen:  Available199

                Listen: Available199

Listen to Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available - Ep 198

Daniel Ruiz Tizon, a man on his fifth nose, is, he’d like the world to know, Available, and dissecting the minutiae of everyday life.

Monday 18 December 2017

                        Listen:  Available198

                       Listen: Available198

In the first of three shows this Christmas week, our little-heard under-the-weather host looks at new businesses opening up on South Lambeth Road and recalls a long forgotten memory from the café.

 

Listen to Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available - Ep 197

Daniel Ruiz Tizon, a man on his fifth nose, is, he’d like the world to know, Available, and dissecting the minutiae of everyday life.

Thursday 14 December 2017

               Listen:  Available 197

              Listen: Available 197

Our little-heard tries not to sniff his way on air through his first winter cold of the year and Channel Christmas, the mysterious annual Christmas Eve-only channel is on its way, maybe.

Channel Christmas 2017 - Get your submissions in

It's that time of year where I ask listeners to submit their programme/film suggestions for the annual Christmas Eve-only channel, Channel Christmas, that first debuted in the 2014 Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available Bumper Christmas Annual.

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Your submissions can be drama, comedy, animation, something with a festive feel you'd like to see on the Channel. I need the running time, the year the show was made and your preferred Christmas Eve time slot. And if you can, let listeners know why you feel this selection would grace Channel Christmas.

Submissions either via mail Available

Or via Twitter: #ChannelChristmas @1607WestEgg

And below is the full listing for last year's Channel Christmas

Midnight – The Legend of Hell House from Stuart

01:35am – Single Santa meets Mrs Claus – David W Poole

03:11 – Number 13 – MR James by ex Kid Cop child star Danny J Smith. Now thought to be some lowly podcaster.

03:50 – 4:20 – the 1985 Fresh Field Christmas Special – A Dickens of A Christmas – submitted by ITV fan The Chin.

04:20 – 5AM - Porridge 1975 Xmas special – by Micky Boyd who curated last year’s Channel Christmas

5am – a two hour Steve Walsh block.

Begins with The Snowman.

5:30am – Father Christmas

06:00am – How the Grinch Stole Christmas

06:30am – A Charlie Brown Christmas

07:00am – 0830am – Suede shoed Billy Two Rivers 9 gives us Brave Little Toaster

08:30am – Rug Rats – The Santa Experience – the first of a double bill submitted by the still living at home half man, The Kid.

09:05 – Pinky and the Brain Christmas – the second of the Kid’s 90s cartoon double bill

09:23 – Some Christmas music. The official video for East 17’s Stay Another Day, their moving 1994 Christmas song.

09:28ish – Me and my bouffant telling you what’s coming up the rest of the day on the channel.

09:30 – 10:30am – Only Fools and Horses Christmas Special – Time On our Hands – nominated by Sandra.

10:30 – 11:30am – The World’s Strongest Man – a joint submission from Steve Walsh and Paul S Davies

11:30 – 12:30 pm – California Fever, submitted by Bark Pamphlet

12:30pm – Top of the Pops 1987 Christmas special – Chrissie Plummer

13:30 – Bernard and the Genie – Drink Me for free

14:37 – 15:00hrs – a Tom and Jerry triple bill, which includes a Christmas episode.

15:00 – 17:00hrs – Nectar Points King Paul S Davies with a ruinous for the schedules film, You’ve Got Mail.

17:00 hrs – West Wing – a festive episode from the show’s second year – that’s from Nick Bryan.

18:00 – 18:55hrs – The World at War – Pete Domican – Operation Barbosa

18:55hrs – a 5 minute Johan Cruyff montage

19:00hrs - The Good Life Christmas Special . 1977 – from Crimson Avenger

19:30 – 20:15 – The Likely Lads 1974 Christmas Special from Stuart

20:15 – Steptoe and Son Christmas Special – also from 1974. From Micky Boyd. Its 42 minutes running time caused us some scheduling problems which were filled up with the toilet seat papering attempts myself and Micky make in 2010 in both SW8 and SW1. They can be found here at danielruiztizon.com

21:00 – Atlanta – Jon Horsley

21:30 – It’s A Wonderful Life - Charne

23:40 – A silent film. The Laurel and Hardy Christmas short – Big Business.

Listen to Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available - Ep 194

Daniel Ruiz Tizon, a man on his fifth nose, is, he’d like the world to know, Available, and dissecting the minutiae of everyday life.

Monday 4 December 2017

Our little-heard host gets the long johns back out as the temperature in southwest London plummets. Meanwhile, continuing his cash point machine war with the Nine Elms Monster, the latte ponce also gets caught up in a spectacular hygiene fail and does his best to avoid The Man's further attempts to engage him with Christmas.